crazy motha's Journal
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Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Here I am yet again wasting time and reflecting.
I am about to take the last exam in Organic Chemistry before the final. I'm so over it. This teacher is such douche it's unbelievable. He tells us one thing in class and does the exact opposite on the test. I just want to get out of state and move the fuck outta here. I need to move on.
I had to write a song in one of my classes that represented a problem most prominent on my mind. At the time it was Gabe. Don't get me wrong there is no problem with our relationship. The problem lies in what lay ahead. Neither he nor I really know for certain what we want to do. We both know that we don't want to be married yet, but we both want to stay together. I hate Los Angeles. As evident from one of my favorite songs, In Your Atmosphere. I hate driving there, I hate living there, I hate doing things there. It just isn't my kind of town. Besides everyone is so freaking rude and in such a selfish state of mind, it's hard to not be that way up there. I want to go to Duke. I digress. When I had to read my song out loud, the most important issue in my life changed.
Nate has a drinking problem. He has had an issue with binge drinking for as long as I can remember. I never really thought it was a problem until I finally realized that he could die from this. He may lose his liver, develop heart disease, or die in a drunken stupor and no one would know about it. There was a story all over the news about a professional surfer getting into a fight after he had been drinking and he was punched, fell back on the pavement and died from a concussion while hitting the pavement. This could happen to Nate. If it happened while he is in Europe, we would never know what happened to him. Scary thought. He would just disappear and we would never hear from him again. He drinks to get wasted. Not a buzz, not drunk, but black out hammered. That's a problem.
According to my parents and sister (religiulous freaks) he doesn't have a problem with drinking he has a problem with life and god. And he needs to sort that problem out. I'm irritated by that and the more I think about it it angers me. None of them want to give up their lifestyle to try and help him. No one wants to tell him that he needs to stop drinking and that he has a drinking problem. If he doesn't drink everyday he drinks enough in a night to equate to a week of drinking. He's a nasty, ugly person when he's drunk. I've decided that I am going to be pro-active in this situation. Danielle, Mom, Dad, James, Johnny, and Aaron can all sit back and do nothing. If something awful should happen I will be able to say that I tried to help him. It angers me that they wont do anything for him. They think that prayer is the only thing that will happen. It reminds me of a joke I heard about a guy who died and when he was in front of god in heaven he said, "god, I prayed that I would win the lottery, and you never let me win." god replied, "I tried but you never bought a ticket." So he's there to help but you have to do something. Sitting a praying that something will happen will leaving you sitting and praying. god helps those who help themselves. I hear this shit all the time, and you know where i heard it from? The parentals. Denial is a very powerful thing. Nate is 31. How many alcoholics have you heard of making it past their 50s? His goal it seems is to die young. I'm not going to watch him do that to himself. I'm not going to enable his behavior and I'm not just going to sit idly and do nothing! I just have to figure out to open everyone's eyes. It's ridiculous that they are willing to watch their son/brother die because in their belief's they aren't meant to help him. Sounds pretty stupid to me.
Current mood:  stressed Current music: relaxing mix
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
So I've decided that this is my final year of posting in this journal. I'm not sure whether or not I will keep it. It may be one of those things that in like 3 years it will delete itself. So be it. It's time to move on.
School starts in like 3 weeks and I'm actually very excited. Most of my classes should be fairly easy. Except o chem. Once again we are face to face and I'm not terrified. I've already done it and without even really showing up I earned a D. Let's see what happens when I devote all of my studying time to it. What I'm really looking forward to is next semester. All of my classes will be fun and I will be working a lot more, saving a lot of money, and planning my big break.
I've earned a few months off from everything. I just can't stop looking forward and it's becoming problematic. I know it's great to plan for the future and always look ahead but I should be enjoying the moment also. I guess I am. I don't know I'm bored with everything. I'm ready for a change. A big one. Be it moving out of San Diego, a trip to Europe or just graduating. Whatever it is I want it soon.
I've also been realizing that as of lately I really want to be married. Don't ask why. I'm not sure myself. I really like the way things are for me and Gabe. Sometimes though I feel like something is missing. We are both no where near being ready so I don't mind the wait, at the same time if it were to happen I wouldn't mind that either. I'm just a crazy girl. Doesn't know what she wants.
Life is great. I start serving on the 26th. I know it's been a while, but it will be worth the wait. The fall and winter get pretty busy at the Brig and it is not a bad time to become a server. Meaning christmas will be good this year. =)
I feel like I've said all of this before. Maybe thats why me and livejournal must part. I don't think I will post after this. So farewell live journal. Perhaps we will speak in the near future, perhaps not. But don't fret, no news is good news.
Current mood:  calm
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Crazy about that guy who wants to shoot up a San Diego College campus. Scary shit huh? There are at least 4 universities, not to mention like 6 JCs. Where will he be? Will he get caught before?
Some description of the kid:
"22 Year old, asian. 5'10" 200 lbs." Wow. Very specific. That could be freakin anyone! Stupid school newspaper. You couldn't give us anything like a birthmark, injury, lisp, deformity, anything other than a generic description of a human being!?!
I'm not really worried. If it's my time it's my time. No fighting it I guess. But honestly what is up with our generation and school shootings. It started with Columbine. Happened here in Santee shortly after. Then it stopped. Eventually all the students who thought about it graduated and went to college, and are now shooting up their colleges. Why is our generation so fixated on solving it's deep seeded issues with killing fellow students and teachers, then killing themselves? I don't get it.
I miss my old friends. Like Genavieve, Samantha, Kathy, and Sara. I don't see them anymore. I can't help but blame myself. I understand we are all growing up and a part of that comes with change. I doubt that we are all the same way we were in high school. Some things never change, but for the most part everyone has changed. I still miss everyone though. I feel like I've been away forEVER, and I'd like to go home for a few weeks like when I first went to college. Spend some much needed time with each of my friends and not neglect my family. Every time I'm back, there's someone I left out. Not that anyone cares really, but eventually you are forgotten. I need to make more of an effort. It's my damn job. I hate it because it's so consuming. I only work 5 days a week, and short shifts at that...but really its very time consuming.
Enough complaining. My life is so great right now. La Jolla Half Marathon coming up on the 27th. I'm ready to rock that shit. Yeah baby...goal this time is 2hrs flat. See you at the finish line at around 9:30am people!!
Current music: Stay Beautiful- Taylor Swift
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I feel poopy. It's hard to exercise when your body is just so freaking tired. I think today I'll rest (literally) and tomorrow I'll put in 8. Sound good? Saturday 4.5. Sunday 6 or 7. Sound good? Well too bad! Thats the plan stan. I need to keep my heart and body going on this. Otherwise this next half will kill me. I mean literally kill me. I'll faint and die. Okay maybe not literally. But hypothetically. I'm excited for it. I need to contact whoever is organizing it and see if I'm actually registered. Or is it one of those things were they let you know like 2 weeks before just play that sexy mind game with you. No I'll call.
So lately Gabe and I haven't really been spending much time with one another. There are a few days a week when we get a few hours together. Then there's the weekend. We want to see our friends and when they flake on us I think we both secretly are happy because then we get to hang out with each other. He wont admit it but when my girlfriends flake there is always a little half smirk then that come hither look. I love him so much. And it's weird because I've never felt this way about anyone before. It's weird because it's not all consuming like I thought it would be. It's always there and I can't shake it. Sure I'll flirt because I'm insecure and I need that kind of attention, but the minute it gets into that "so you got a boyfriend?" territory I'm gone. I love him way too much. I love him more each day. I live with him and I miss him. Weird. I mean I see him all the time so it isn't a yearning, but we have a date planned for Sunday I'm so excited. I've found a bunch of restaurants we could go to. I'm gunna buy him a nice shirt to wear so he looks good. He won't admit it but he likes the idea of a date with me. He's talking to me too!! I used to be the one who talks all the time, now he is opening up. He talks to me about his frustrations with school, some of his life's plans, and anything. I love it. We've become more intimate and we don't have as much sex... believe it or not. The sex is still amazing. He gets better every time. He pays attention to my body and what I like and its always amazing. Granted we have 2 windows of opportunity a week, we make the best of them. =) I'm so happy with him. I don't mind being in San Diego an extra year. I get to stay with him and there is no pressure about any commitment. We get to enjoy our relationship and there is no pressure for us to grow up. Life is good.
Current music: John Mayer
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Cuz time flies by like hurricanes....
Alright things are going so well right now. Gabe and I are fantastic! On our trip up to LA we discussed some possibilities after I graduate SDSU. I told him that getting married to him was in my 5 year plan. He told me to forget about it and that really upset me. But I know that he wants to marry me because otherwise he wouldn't say things about our future and he wouldn't have me live at his mom's with him. (Not that I really want to...but that's a whole other issue). Regardless, I told him how I'm very confident that he will propose, its just a matter of time. That made him smile. When we got back to SD I told him I didn't like his comment about not being in my 5 year plan. He told me that of course he's going to propose to me within 5 years he just didn't want me to think that. He wants to keep it a surprise. I love him so much. I should do something nice for him.
LA trip was really fun. I think Daniel was uncomfortable with Gabe and me being there. Considering their fights lately. I don't know what he's so freaked out about. Its an opportunity for Justine and him to forget about it for a little while. Pretend it's not going on because frankly I would never ask him about their fights. If Justine wants to talk to me about it I'm willing to listen, but I'm not going to inquire to him about what's going on with their relationship. I just feel pretty bad for Justine. The last thing she wants to do is move back to the valley house. Poor darling. I'm working on this whole moving to SD thing. I think I almost have her. Daniel would be the deciding factor. I think he has the potential to be a really cool guy, but right now he's got some things to work out and you can tell he isn't very happy with himself. He's not an idiot, he's just acting very stupid right now. He was pretty uncomfortable the night that sam, brandon, me, gabe, and stino all hung out. He didn't have to be. He chose to be. I guess he doesn't like samantha very much because he thinks she tries to break justine and him up. Gabe said it best..."He's trying to break them up by the way he acts." If he treats her well and makes her happy Samantha will like him. Thats it. I feel sorry for him. I hope they work it out, she really just needs to move out though. That would make her less stressed. She lost a lot of weight. A lot. But it's just because she can't afford food. My heart broke when she told me that. =(
Gabe and I had a good time, he enjoyed spending time with my parents. He liked Mike too. Too bad James and Jon didn't want to hang out that night. It's alright because Gabe still had a good time. This means more LA trips.
I miss samantha. I was texting her in class yesterday and I remembered how much fun I have hanging out with her. I wish her the best.
Time to check out Mt. Saint Mary's website. I need to pursue my options. =)
Current music: allman brother's band.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
and the more I think about it, its crazy.
I can't wait to visit LA this weekend. It'll be more fun than previous visits. Family wont be hounding me as much. Plus gabey is coming. He really hasn't come up in almost a year. Maybe even more than that. He's getting more involved in my family. Its about freaking time. But I guess I shouldn't complain. Better late than never. Plus my family loves him, and he doesn't kiss their asses. I love it.
I don't really have anything going on right now. Work is "cross training" me for drink running. I'm coming up in the world. I wont be making that much money, but it's a start. I know they are listening now so I'm happy. Classes are so boring this semester. I'm dying to stay awake in each one. That's no bueno. Except for history of sex. Its kinda interesting to see how different society's views on sexuality are altered throughout it's history. Meaning that it is constantly evolving. Other than that, snoozeville.
Gabe and I are doing well I suppose. Nothing other than the usual fighting. Its just that we are getting close to 4 years and I'm not sure where its going. I mean I would love to marry him, or even know that he has full intentions on marrying me. It's just frustrating because we've lived together almost the entire time. If california still recognized it, we would be half way to common law marriage. Not that I even want to get married. I'm still very immature, and I'm growing...so I'm not ready yet. BUT that doesn't mean I don't think about it. And I'm not sure that he thinks that far in advance. He's communicated to me that he does NOT think about it and does not want to get married anytime soon. Thats all well and good considering we are both in school for at least another year. HOWEVER it's in my 5 year plan, and I don't think it's in his. We both want different things and while I will not break up with him over this (any time soon), I do fear that somewhere down the road when I'm ready to get married, he wont be. And it wouldn't be fair for me to sit and wait for him to ever share the same feelings. Because honestly who is to know if he will ever feel that way about me. It may not be just an immaturity thing. It could be a mandy thing. I love him though and the idea of him not being in my life is a pretty difficult thing to cope with. But the reality is if we both want different things in life it may never work. I know this is all really heavy before valentines day, but I think about this a lot, and while I don't communicate this to Gabe I worry about it. I watch for nonverbal cues of love and devotion and I also watch for those cues of avoiding commitment. He gives them both to me so I'm pretty torn most of the time. All in all we love each other and I don't want to break up with him (ever). I'll prolong this for as long as I can. I have a really strong feeling that when I graduate and get ready for PT school, he wont be on the same page as I am. And it could mean an expiration date. =(
I suppose I should just focus on the now. Valentine's day will be fun. I'm working that night and gabe and I bought each other bowling gear. We're an old married couple who may never get married. I'm not sure if that's ironic or not.
Off to class. ZzZzZzZZZzzzZzZzZZzzzZZZzzZzz
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I'm soooooo irritated right now. I freaking hate my job. I love the people I work with but they don't allow you to move up. They want me to stay a hostess forever. They want me to fucking fake a smile, put up with people's bullshit attitudes, and underpay me. FUCK THAT SHIT!! I want to move up and they don't like how I went about it. Now I'm getting shitty shifts. I took this job thinking that within a year (it's been like 9 months) I would be moving up to server or at least something that makes tips. They are reluctantly "considering" training me. Now that I already have the training to be a board runner they are making me train AGAIN for friday nights. Are you freaking kidding me?! Really?? I've done it twice. If you don't want me to work the weekends just FUCKING say so. If you would rather have only two hostesses (the ones that have been working there for 2 years) work friday and saturday nights then make sure you tell that to them. I'm so fucking sick of this job. Next tuesday ( my day off) I'm going job hunting. I'm calling in sick next friday and going to big bear. Fuck them. I've only called in sick once and that was because I had pink eye. Now starts a string of fuck the brig behavior. I'm so fucking tired of working at jobs where I really do work hard (and I'm not just tooting my own horn) and getting lots of verbal commendations but never moving up. Simple fact is that they want to underpay me. They want a fucking sap to get yelled at by old people who think they fucking own the place and when that sap happens to be old enough to say "hey I'm a competent employee with a good work ethic, promote me," they fucking blow me off.
Maybe I did go behind your back looking at another restaurant. Maybe it was my way of saying to you...fuck you for not listening to me when I've told you repeatedly that I want to fucking move up. Maybe I was trying to say fuck you someone else appreciates me and is willing to treat me as such, yeah I'll leave in a heartbeat. At this point in my life if someone is important enough to me I will make that effort to hang out with them after I quit. I have NO OBLIGATION to anyone. It's all about me and the money I need to make. They act that way so why the fuck can't I??? I'm so fucking annoyed right now.
I'm so fucking pissed right now. I need money so I have to work this weekend and the next. Not that I don't mind working weekends but if you are going to treat me like some dumb highschool bitch then I will act like that. I'll be lazy and ignore customers, and walk slowly and flirt with all the bussers and servers. I'm fucking done. I have an interview next thursday at 2pm and I'm going to know everything on that damn drink guide. I've decided that I'm going either going to eastlake as a drink runner or I'm just going to try and find another job. I HATE the brig. End of discussion.
Current music: south park
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I freaking hate the first week of school. It's chaos.
So I got all the classes I wanted, not realizing I signed up for a class that I didn't need to take, or actually my grade is sufficient enough to mean that I can't get course forgiveness. Shitty balls. So I'm trying to get into another physics class. The one I failed and should have enrolled in in the first place. Poop stick. Its already full. But anyone whose ever taken a physics or math class knows that more than half the class drop it or don't show up. There should be plenty of room. We'll see. I'm not sure why I'm stressing it so bad. I mean I'm currently enrolled in 13 units, if I don't get into this class I'll have 26 units to take and 2 semesters + summer to finish it in. I'd rather cram it in now, and have the possibility to be done by the winter time.
I'm not sure what to do right now. Should I really care? I mean I'm having a great time here in SD and to cut it short would really suck. BUT I really miss home. I miss my friends and family. BUT if I don't cram it in I can spend more time visiting and coming down longer in the summer. And I can still get all my necessary volunteer hours in, plus I'll be able to work more. I'm trying to be optimistic regardless of the outcome.
I ran into Phillis today. She graduated high school a year after me and will graduate college a year before me. I'm trying really hard not to let that bother me. I don't regret changing majors and doing what I did. I just wish I'd made up my mind a lot sooner. That bothered me a bit today. This will all be worth it if I make it into Duke. We should all hope.
I'm loving my bio-mechanics class. Today was the first day and our professor is a physical therapist. Or at least he was before he started teaching. I'm really excited for this class.
I better go to my history of sexuality class. I'm bored already.
Current music: country mix
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Only 2 more weeks. Next week is the start of finals for me. Weird that 2 of my 5 classes will be done. Takes a load off.
Going home sucked. Seeing friends was great, catching up with Sam was more fun than I've had in a long time. The Abbey (I think that's how you spell it) was I think by far the most fun I've ever had. Just laughing all night, wonderful night. Thanksgiving meal was great, parents were wonderful, sisters were heavenly but the brothers were taxing. I don't know how much of them I can take. Your supposedly to love your family but they really make it hard. I never have to defend myself when it comes to what I'm doing these days. When friends or their parents ask what I'm studying and how much longer I'm in school they are supportive. Nate is another story. It really pisses me off how I'm constantly on the defense when it comes to school. I don't actually think he believes that I'm wasting my life away in school, but I think it makes him feel better to say it. He was picking on me all weekend and I just had enough of it. I'm feeling no sympathy for him. He's an adult he can be held responsible for his actions. He chose to go Europe and run away from his problems. He chose not to go to college and find himself a career. He chose to live in Europe without a Visa and work dead-end jobs that would only make him miserable. He choses to drink away his sorrows. I shouldn't have to feel about what I'm doing.
I'm happy with my life. All of his bullshit just reminds me why I don't come home as often as I should. It reinforces my plans to go to Duke or an out of state graduate school. I better get going people are waiting for computers.
Current music: rascal flatts
Monday, November 19, 2007
Okay well as of this moment I really just don't want to do any homework. I'm procrastinating. Not to mention I have piles of laundry to do but I just don't want to. I'm so aggravated right now. I want to go home so badly but I just don't want to because of the asshole. No names because I think the asshole says enough. I wish Gabe were going but at the same time I'm glad he's not. He would be a catalyst for a very negative reaction. Yeah gotta get back into the chemistry frame of mind.
I have so many things that I just want to blast the asshole with. But that would mean I would have to talk to him. I just want him out of my life completely. As mean as this sounds, just go to Iraq already and leave me the fuck alone. Things were going so well up until a few months ago. Now all I can think about is how much I just want to cuss the motherfucker out. He's such a lying piece of shit. Excuse my French but I'm really upset by the fact that he's trying to claim that he didn't talk trash after we broke up, but he talked shit about me when we were together, why would breaking up change that? I'm so annoyed by him. Just looking at his pictures fills me with anger. And the best part about all of this is that I just put him out of my mind and life. And he tries to claim that Samantha has been filling my head with bullshit. Sam and I didn't even talk for almost a year. How could she be influencing me for 3 years? We only talked about the asshole right after we broke up and only to laugh about what a tool he is.
No one told me to remember my relationship a certain way, that is all me baby. I'm not the same impressionable girl I was 4 years ago. I've made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot about myself and people in general over all these years and I have to say that no one runs my life but me. No one can tell me how to think, they offer their opinion and that's it. I don't take everything at face value and I interpret information that is given to me. I guess all these years in college have actually taught me something. =) Its so funny to me because all those years I did nothing but apologize for things that in some cases I shouldn't have apologized for. Now I don't owe anyone an apology. I am who I am and what's done is done. I can't go back and change anything and I wouldn't if I could. I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm living a very fulfilling life and I'm here because of mistakes and choices I made. I take nothing back and I don't owe a single person an explanation. Wait here's an explanation...it's my fucking life I'll do whatever the fuck I want. I'm the only one who has to live with my choices and actions. There's an explanation.
If I didn't do all the things that I've done I wouldn't have Gabe, Kiley, and Jazmin in my life. That's my family right now and I'm happy. So I think I've done well so far. I love Gabe and the way I feel about Gabe now is really love. I didn't love the asshole, I really think I was looking for forgiveness. I'm thankful now that I never got it, otherwise I wouldn't have gone running to Gabe. He loves me so much and I'm going to marry that boy. I know he feels the same way about me. =)
As for the asshole its makes me smile to think that I'm so happy right now and he's still hanging on to shit that happened over 3 years ago.
Current music: Keisha Cole- Just Like You
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
So irritated right now. Could be a number of things. Biggest cause would have to be period. Hating it right now. So f'ing clumsy and so f'ing irritated.
Finally talked to an advisor and she didn't tell me anything good. Well nothing bad really. Just that those classes I failed in the beginning are now coming into play. I only have one F and one D-...both of which are dropping my GPA. so I have a few options. Retake them or f' em. Both of which set me back. The advisor told me that my best bet into getting into the grad school of my choice would be to contact the school and find out exactly what they are looking for. Well yeah that seems obvious doesn't it? Anything else? Nope.
So I have a few options. I can bust my ass to get shit done and retake the necessary classes at the same time. Which means I will have to take twice as many classes this summer. I think I could do it. I just have to make sure they offer the classes I need this summer and I can't fuck it up. My mom is willing to subsidize my living expenses for the summer so that I can focus on my school work and get it all done. If I apply for December graduation I wont walk the stage until May 2009. The advisor thinks that since I have to walk then anyways might as well extend my plan another semester. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to take that option. My mom supports the summer school idea even though it'll be tough. 12 unit summer school and two more 15 unit semesters. I think I can hack it. Just another year right? Then cutthroat grad school. Life is grand.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I feel like so much is going on at once and I can't slow it down for one second. I'm killing myself by writing in this damn thing but its the only thing that will let me rant without trying to calm me down or give me advice. I love journals.
Work is killing me with the hours they are giving me. I asked (2 weeks ago) that they not schedule me as much during the week but more on the weekends. I don't mind giving up my "social" life, considering I don't have one as of late. But once again I get the weekends off and I'm working both monday and wednesday. F'ing killer. Possible split shift on monday. Which may mean no running. How am I going to get to 13 miles if I can only run 3 times a week? Maybe I took on too much...?
I'm really pissed off about Kim. I think it totally sucks that she didn't even send me a text message on my birthday, and I'm pretty sure she didn't call gabe on his. In fact I am sure she didn't call him. She's so weird and controlled by Jeremy that its annoying to hang out with them. I didn't bother calling her to see what she wanted to hang out on my birthday. Even Alicia invited me out. I'm done calling her and hanging out with them. I'm totally over it. Sorry Gabe I tried to make friends with your friends but it was just too much effort to be blown off like that. I ended up hanging out with Gabby and Rob. I had a lot of fun doing that. Rob hasn't been able to have a good time in a long time, Gabby too. I think they had fun. Which reminds me I have to give her a call tomorrow to apologize for being MIA.
4 midterms in one week, a lab report and quiz can all be very taxing on one's free time. Tonight I can't even relax after finishing all of my exams/quizzes, I have to work on that damn lab report. I don't know if I really care about it. I want a higher grade so I need to put forth the effort, I'm just so exhausted. I haven't run all week. Just not enough time.
Stupid Cox communications is charging me $42 for something I didn't even buy or use. I haven't lived with Kai for like 3 months and somehow I owe them money and if I don't pay by Dec 6th its going to affect my credit. Son of a bitch! I'm not sure who's fault it is right now, but I'm going to blame both Kai and Cox. I'm so irritated. And tired. I finally get to run tomorrow after school. Nothing due until Nov. 20th. At least that I know of. Just 6 more weeks. I'm trying so hard to hold out. I'm not sure if I can without breaking down.
Back to studying.
Current mood:  busy Current music: classic rock mix
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I'm super stressed out right now and i feel like there isn't enough time in the day. The wedding was wonderful. But going to LA on sat and losing both sat. and sun. to that wedding really cost me a few homework assignments. I'm going to take a zero on today's physics lab, i didn't have sufficient time to study for my ens exam and I have a lab report due that's worth 30 pts in about 7 hours. I'm doing two hours as soon as I finish ranting, then its class, then its more lab report and study for a quiz. It was just too much all at once. I'm physically exhausted. And on top of everything my half marathon is in 13 weeks and I'm barely at 8 miles. And not even quickly either. There is just not enough time. I only work for 4 hours a day, but by 10pm I'm done. Getting up at 6:30am everyday is so tiring that my mind is burnt by 10pm. I don't know why I took on so much. I got a C on my physiology exam. I think thats bullshit because in the lecture physiology class I'm taking, I got an A. A pretty solid A too. I don't understand. I'm super disappointed in myself and I'm just overwhelmed.
They cut my hours back at work and for some reason I'm still working the same amount. How does that happen, stupid high school girls calling in every damn day and I get stuck with their shifts. I'm talking with my manager and explaining that my grades can't drop and they need to cut my hours. If they continue to drop then I'm going to have to put in my two weeks.
Stupid ass Walton. What was the reason behind that stupid myspace message. And are you that lame that you can't even send me a freaking email, it has to be done through myspace. I don't think I'm going to respond to that email. If I do it will definitely be after I get completely caught up in all of my classes (pretty much in December). I'm irritated that he would try and play on my sympathy by saying..."I'm leaving to Iraq." Anyone who knows you knows you willing signed up with the full intention of going to Iraq. Your pathetic. Don't come in and mess up all the good things I had going in my life. Don't talk to my family and friends and have them relay messages to me. AHHH your a fucking ass. Its funny because I'm more bitter and filled with rage that he would send me an email than if we never spoke again. I think I'd hate him less if left me and my family and friends alone. He's such a tool. If I told everyone the things he did and said, they would hate him as much as I do. Not to mention when I was talking with Daniel and Justine about this Daniel told me that back when we were together in high school he went up to Daniel and congratulated him on getting with Justine because she was the twin with the nicer ass. Just an example of the kind of person he really was. Anything I say to him will not be good. I feel its best that I leave this whole thing alone and not acknowledge him. I'm so happy that he's out of my life and any email to him would just bring the negative back in. I already got a C on my exam. What more proof do I need?
other than school work and running consuming my life I have nothing new to talk about. Except for the fact that Kim and Jeremy suck right now. They only call to hang out during the week when I'm working or when I'm at school all freaking day. They know I can't go out drinking or even stay up too late. But on the weekends when I actually have some free time they don't answer their phones or they are too tired from drinking earlier in the week. Whatever. Gabe and I need a new couple to hang out with. I need to do homework. Enough staling.
Current mood: cranky
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
This semester is my toughest yet. I feel like I'm failing everything. Which I'm not. But Cs and low Bs aren't going to get me into grad school. I should probably cut myself some slack considering I've never taken 17 units before, trained for a half marathon, and worked all at the same time.
I'm up to 8 miles. Just 4 more to train for by January. Its tough to get up and run early in the morning, I'm just too damn tired at 6am. I need to suck it up and run it a few times a week. Sleep will come when this semester is over.
New kitty. I went with the name Kiley. She's a feisty little fucker, I love her still. I've never owned my own pet before. Its nice to have someone love you as much you love it. Jazmine loves me but, she's always going to love gabe more. She's so damn cute. =)
Relationship has never been better. Maybe its because I barely have time to sleep let alone pick fights. Yesterday I didn't spend much time with Gabe. When I told him I missed him he smiled at me and said "you always miss me." But he misses me too. Thats why he tells me to stay in bed longer and actually talks to me on the phone. He's just so great. Since there seems to be not enough time in my day, he's been helping out a lot with house stuff. Who's the homemaker now? Just kidding. I love him.
My old roommate and my replacement are dicking me out of $250 bucks. They are avoiding me and I wont stand for it. I'm calling today and I'm getting my money by the time I leave for LA on friday. Its been almost 2 months. It really upsets me that friends would pull this kind of shit. Lesson learned here.
Something interesting I learned today. Norepinephrine is the chemical in our bodies responsible for wakefulness or arousal. Need to wake up? Have sex in the morning. Haha, explains why I'm almost never aroused in the morning.
Current mood:  bouncy Current music: country genre mix on ipod
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I haven't written here in a while. I'm so sick of everything right now. I'm tired of my old music. Now that I'm training for this half marathon I spend over 3 hours a day listening to music (between running/car/walking around campus). Its hard when I don't have anything new to listen too. My taste is changing. Rap annoys me. The repetitive beats are really hard to get into when you aren't drunk and dancing.
Paramore and Colbie Caillat are my two albums that I listen to constantly. Don't ask me why. Girl power.
work sucks. I don't want to be a hostess. I'm 21 dammit. this is ridiculous.
but god does it feel so good, cuz i got him where i want him now.
I'm in all of my classes that i need to be in my major. And i'm actually not as excited as i thought. this semester will fly by. I can tell by the first few days. but regardless I'm actually kinda nervous about being done in 3 semesters. I wont actually be done but there are so many different ways i could go. stay in sd, move home, find a new home? I don't want to think about it, but i kinda have to think about it. I have to look into grad schools next semester. SCARY. I'll be 23 when i graduate from state. 24 going into grad school. 28 (possibly) graduating with my doctorate. I just want to be done now. I want gabe to be with me.
I was thinking about it yesterday, everyone has this relationship thats life changing and consuming. The person is all wrong for you and you go through these enormous changes during and after. And well after that you find that one person who makes you feel good about yourself, and comfortable enough to be yourself always. They are everything the last one isn't. I'm not just talking about me, just in general. What if I'm that person whose all wrong for gabe and after me he'll find his perfect girl. I feel like he's my perfect guy, I don't want to be all wrong for him. He's perfect for me. =(
I just feel like everyone has that relationship that makes them see what they really want and then they find it. Like Samantha, she found the perfect guy after the bad one. I just don't want to be gabe's bad one.
on a lighter note. I was able to crash the class I needed. I tied for the highest score on the diagnostic test. Knock em dead
Current mood:  discontent Current music: misery business-paramore
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Best television show ever.
I start at coffee bean tomorrow and I'm a little concerned. I thought I would be able to manage the two job thing, but I'm worried that it will be harder than I originally imagined. I guess I should just start working there before I decide I don't want to work there. I really want to work there, and I really need the money. I just don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Yosemite in two days. Woot woot. It will be nice to not have to deal with anything for 5 days. Complete relaxation. I'm very excited.
Okay I haven't decided what I want to do more. Gabby's bachelorette party or the breaking benjamin concert. Whats worth more to me. Do I want to get beligerent and ogle naked men. And who's to say that we are going to a male strip club anyway. I don't know. I spent 75 dollars on those tickets. Gabe said he would sell them, but the truth is he is going to pay me for them and he wont sell them to anyone. Oh what a predicament.
I love Gabe. He isn't jealous and he trusts me. I told him that a guy at work said to me "So have you told your boyfriend your cheating on him yet?" Gabe got mad that the guy was implying I'm a slut. I love him. I'm going to marry that boy. =D
Current music: king of queens
Sunday, June 3, 2007
i forgot i had you to vent to. no one reads you so it's almost like a real journal entry. I wont forsake you again.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I thought I would have to do a lab write up before class today and as it turns out it wont be due until next week. Oh well sometime to myself and my thoughts. Hmmmm where do i start??
James finished his basic training and we got to see it. That is me, Kristin, and my dad. It was fun except for the fact that my dad is so cheap it drives me crazy. The only time he would eat is when the food was free. Me and Kristin were so hungry most of the trip because my dad was just too damn cheap to buy us food. He thinks that by buying me a purse (for $20) makes up for all the money I spent to buy food for myself and Kristin. Well it did because Kentucky is sooo damn poor, but its the principle. If I wanted to go on a vacation where I'd have to take care of myself I wouldn't have gone with them! My mom wasn't too happy to hear that though. Haha take that cheapo. Well I don't think i really cared all that much its just that he was so out of tune with us...if it were mom she would have asked us first if we were hungry not me asking my dad 5 times for us to get something to eat. It was making me cranky. OH and the part that made me the most mad...Kristin consumes candy and chocolate like its water. I have no problem telling her she's had enough candy and my dad reprimands me for it. But he can give me shit for eating a fucking bagel. I was so pissed. How dare he. Its not like I was eating chorizo or three different variations of pig meat, no a bagel with a mini thing of cream cheese. He was like "there's probably over 800 calories in that bagel and cream cheese your eating." I argued with him of course but it pissed me off. I said "you know what it has carbohydrates and I need energy its better than me eating candy all week." What an ass. Why the fuck don't you pick on Kristin's eating habits, you give me shit for one damn bagel before a 6 hour flight. I'm so glad to be away from my dad. He's gotten worse over the years. Its really frustrating.
I had a dream I saw the ex in san diego and I woke up with a really yucky feeling.
Hopefully I'll be done with this shit next winter. yes folks thats right winter 2008. Of course I need to do some pre-grad school stuff. meaning that I'll have to get a job as a pta before I some places will even consider accepting me. But I can't stay here. San Diego has no grad schools. I was getting upset with gabe because I was telling him that I could possibly go home or somewhere else but I wanted to know where we stand and if he thought he would come with me. He got really upset and it turned into a huge fight. I was really bummed because I thought our relationship had an expiration date, then I get this text from him: I want to be with you and I will do anything I can to be with you. It made me choke up a bit. I've never loved anyone the way that I love him. Things are great between us. I'm not going to bring up the future anymore. Just the present. It's been working so far. =) I'm going to eat some breakfast now. A bagel sounds good. xP
Current music: Steely Dan- Brooklyn
Friday, April 6, 2007
Its amazing how quickly your self esteem can inflate from just over a week.
I got a job at the Brigantine and if it weren't for James' graduation I would be starting next Saturday. Oh well it just sets me back four days. nothing too serious. They don't pay much, but I'm hoping that it'll give me enough experience for the summer when i decided to take on...get this 2 jobs! haha its no big deal, but it is too me. I really need to get myself out of debt and this is my summer to do it. If I can work a LOT then I can get rid of those damn credit cards and never see them again. Hooray! Besides I have that car payment that sucks the money right out of my bank account. Gotta prioritize.
Its amazing to see how much my friends out here have matured over the time I've lived here. Christine is graduating May 19th and she's given up smoking weed and she doesn't party as much. That's huge for her. Daniel has decided that after ruining a few friendships and tarnishing his reputation that he doesn't want to be like that anymore and has given up drinking. I support him even if some of his friends are trying to pull him back into his old habits. Robby, he's the most mature of all of them. Its amazing! When I first met him he was this stubborn and head strong kid that loved to get drunk and just party. Now he's a working man, a father, has goals and aspirations and is just really sweet. He's always been a sweet guy but he's completely different and its amazing how much his son has changed his life. He was headed in a bad direction with the friends he had, his old job, etc. Now he's focused. I'm proud of him.
I'm kicking the ass of my motor development class. I'm doing well in my kinesiology classes but physics is kicking my ass. Go figure. Once I tackle that course I will feel accomplished. This is my toughest semester so far in that I've never had to devote so much time to homework and studying. If I try to slack my grades drop severely and I'm just to old for that. This exam today gave me a great energy boost and a self-esteem boost as well. I'm ready for the weekend. Even if it entails studying for biology, kinesiology and physics. I'm excited that things are starting to go well. Gotta go Physics time.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
And are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
As shadows fade into the light,
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
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